Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage

I read an interesting story this morning about an eagle given an easy life by its owner; food all around it and it didn’t have to fly any more- fed, watered, cared for and no need to exercise- this eagle’s living the dream right?!

A stranger offered it the choice of flight; when faced with flying, the eagle chose to return to its barn and carry on picking off chickens. It got exposed to the choice again, and again the eagle chose eating over flying. The third time the choice was forced upon it, high upon a mountain top- it had to fly despite its fear of doing so- imagine an eagle being scared of doing something it was naturally born to do? It set off slowly and fearfully, knowing there was no other way out of the situation, but then began to soar in the sky and its instincts kicked in again…

The eagle was equipped from the beginning but it lacked belief in its abilities, and had been clipped of its natural environment. Its owner had created easier, more comfortable conditions, yet they were also stifling and caused its instincts to become muted. In limited conditions its abilities became limited too.

If decisions are made for you and you allow that to happen; if you remove the element of choice from your life or ignore opportunities for fear of the unknown or fear of failure then you are effectively limiting your own capabilities.

Self-sabotage is about ruining your own chances of success because you lack belief in yourself. If you fail, then you prove your own hypothesis right- you can’t do it, you are worthless and you are no good in your own mind. In essence, there is a fight going on inside of you over what you want and what you think you can do.

What do self-sabotaging behaviours look like:

• You feel overwhelmed by options but avoid narrowing down the realistic ones- if you don’t engage with them then you don’t have to do anything about them; too many options becomes too many reasons to stay put;
• You give generously of yourself to others but avoid spending time working on yourself;
• Procrastinating what you really need to do; the thought of action ironically causes inaction.
• You are scared to succeed- success means changes. There is comfort in what you know, no matter how uncomfortable it actually is, because it’s predictable;
• You might make some gains towards your desired future but then quit- for example you may apply for an online course but never get past the enquiry stage, you may apply for a job but don’t attend the interview;
• Irresponsible behaviour, such as:
  • overspending,
  • attending to small jobs instead of the big jobs, such as painting your hall way when actually your roof is in major disrepair
  • drinking too much alcohol to avoid your circumstances or numb your feelings
  • taking drugs to avoid your circumstances or numb your feelings
• You are unable to own your part in events- ‘It’s your fault, I had nothing to do with it.’
• It’s difficult to treat yourself kindly; if you make the slightest error or mistake then it feels catastrophic and it’s hard to have perspective on just how big or small the issue really is; you’ll find yourself caught up in ruminating thoughts that inevitably form a negative story about yourself.

How to call off these behaviours:

1. Check-in with your destructive habits– did any from the above list really resonate with you? The more you can catch these habits and question ‘Why am I doing this?’ then the more likely you are to begin to understand what is holding you back;
2. Reflect– take some time each week to look over the events of the week and look at what you did brilliantly, averagely and what just plain didn’t make sense to you about why you did something or said something;
3. Find a positive thought for each negative one you have about yourself; our inner critic works overtime if there isn’t a regulatory voice going on to. Find a balance in your self-analysis and see how your thoughts begin to change when you present contrary evidence;
4. Question your next behaviour– is it in line with what you want to achieve, is it a step closer to your goal or ten steps away from it? Start to change your behaviours to be in line with your goals.
5. Identify changes– what areas of your life do you want to change? List what you can reasonably change that is within your control; this should be a positive list, not a list of things you feel you can’t change.
6. Make small changes– take the first step and tackle one area at a time- overwhelming yourself will lead to fear, anxiety symptoms and proving your inner critic right. It’s about trial and error in finding what works for you and what small steps out of your comfort zone you can manage. Be kind to yourself and allow time to get things wrong as well as get things right; changes can’t happen over night but they can happen if you keep trying and keep experimenting with ways to get to where you want to be in your life.