Responsibility

Responsibility

Last week I spoke about the PROM model for action against anxiety; specifically looking at Purpose.

I’m moving on to Responsibility today:

• the ability to respond,
• a choice of response,
• the duty to deal with something or take control,
• of being accountable

Life boils down to a set of life events, much of which we are unable to choose such as schooling, parents and family, illness and death. ‘Choose’ is the key word here- we can’t choose these circumstances, so how do we get by when life events are against us? We can choose our responses to these situations.

Think about the following scenarios:

• a relationship ending when you didn’t want it to
• being rejected from an interview for a job that you really wanted
• not being appreciated by a company you worked hard for
• a friend taking advantage of your qualities

If they have happened to you, I encourage you to think about:

1. What was your initial response to the situation?
2. Did you learn anything from the experience?
3. How could you have altered your response?
4. Do you follow a pattern of responses to difficult situations?

We look externally for support and nurture in almost all that we do, however we can be quick to blame other people when we don’t end up where we expect to be. By taking a long look at our actions, thoughts and feeling then we can understand the role we played in how events turned out for us. Other people are not responsible for where we decide to end up (on the whole).

If we consider careers for the rest of the article:

• If you don’t get the promotion you thought was a certainty then were there clues along the way that the company just wasn’t going to match your drive/ ambition levels?
• Have you had enough of the role in reality, but still believe falsely that if you give it another 12 months then the ethos of the company may change?
• A key figure is bound to leave soon opening up the gap for your role…right?
• Are you chasing promotion instead of fulfilment?
• Do you consider walking away before reaching your goal a failure- even if you dislike the company?

Careers can be tricky to navigate and even more so when it’s not your career of choice. People work for many different reasons so it’s important to be aware that not all people enjoy what they do- it’s a means to an end for many of us.

So, if you don’t get the promotion that financially would allow you to do the things you want to do, or enable you to afford to learn outside of work what choices do you have?

• Continue and resent the company and your manager, all the while believing falsehoods about future promised mobility up the managerial ladder,
• Become less attached to your role but staunchly defend your slipping standards as you become more despondent about the situation,
• Continue to voice the injustice but remain in the role and remain unhappy.

I have one phrase that I return to time and time again with my clients- ‘What we allow will continue.’ Say it out loud and let it sink in. Essentially, if something doesn’t change then the situation will remain as it is; stuck in limbo, more false promises from others and to yourself from yourself. Inaction reinforces misery.

I mentioned earlier that other people are not responsible for where you end up. You are responsible for yourself and your life.

What actions can you choose to address the above example that benefit you?

• Assess how long you believe you could mentally and physically last in the situation without becoming ill (if you aren’t already at this point)?
• Ask yourself if illness, of any kind, is something you are going to tolerate from a role that isn’t meeting your needs?
• What needs does the job and company actually fulfil and what is lacking- is one weighted more than the other when you look at it?
• Start to consider the shelf-life of the role for you and if other jobs are available that are more suitable, even in the short term, in order for your work/life/health balance to improve?
• Assess your finances and look at where you can make reasonable cuts- find the minimum salary you can live off and understand if you could sustain a pay cut if it came to leaving the job for something that was lower in pay in the short-term.
• Can your current company make reasonable adjustments for you to learn as well as work?
• What additional online or part-time learning could you fit in to bolster your chances of a better job?
• Do you just want a complete career change? If so, what steps are necessary to reach that goal?
• Revisit your CV and update where necessary
• Sign up to job search engines and start looking prospectively at what is out there for you.

Once you break down the situation in to more manageable questions and tasks then a more linear and rational conversation with yourself and your instincts can take place. So often we go from trigger (no promotion) to anxiety response (I’m no good, I’m rubbish at my job, no one can see my worth, causing heightened emotions, hormone release for bodily action, the thinking brain is overridden by the emotional brain, preparing us to make rash decisions) to the stress response (quitting without thinking about it, arguing with management, running away and emotional overwhelm).

By breaking it down you are taking responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. Granted, it isn’t your decision to not be promoted but it is your choice to be responsible for how you move forward from this, with you as the focus, not what benefits the firm. Respect your self enough to challenge your everyday views and really engage with what you want out of life. Taking responsibility for yourself is not only good self-care but it will get you to where you need to be. Remember: what you allow, will continue.